When Will You Budge from Your Grudge?

My next door neighbor, Cathy, despised my downstairs neighbor, George.

But no less than George despised Cathy.

In fact, Cathy landed up moving with her husband and their 6-year-old daughter out of their beautiful oceanfront penthouse condo to five hundred miles away because she could no longer stand encountering George in the hallways.

Before that, the situation had gotten so bad, Cathy actually filed a restraining order against George.

And George, who was on the condominium board, landed up suing the board for attorney fees after Cathy called the police on him and actually had him 'arrested' for one of those overblown incidences that occur when we let things get too far out of control.

If this sounds like an episode out of Seinfeld with Seinfeld's South-Florida condo-living parents, it's not. This is a true story.

But here's the point:

Cathy and George hardly knew each other!

Cathy was in her late twenties and George was in his seventies.

. . . Two almost perfect strangers who both landed up making life so miserable for each other, their lives were altered dramatically by their grudge.

So what's the point of my story?

That's what I want you to figure out, my friend.

(Clue . . . the answer ain't so difficult.)

But more important than that, I want you to share a story of one of your own grudges (we all have them) . . . how long it lasted (that's what makes the difference) . . . how you handled it . . . if you resolved it . . . if you still are holding onto it . . . or if you can look back and see how perhaps ludicrous the whole thing seems now with the perspective of time.

Go to the comment area below and share your story.

Your particular story may be just the thing to help someone else from carrying their own grudge - which, no matter how small, is a tremendous spiritual weight . . . and the kind you don't want burdening your soul.

Sharing your story allows you to receive the grace of knowing you are probably lifting the burden someone else is carrying around with them, making them take action to "budge from their grudge."

Share your past and present grudges now with all the soap operatic details. (Hey, clearing yourself from holding grudges is, in truth, a daily job which I and every Wealthy Soul consciously engages in).

Add a beam of light to this world describing how you rose above any grudge . . .  large or small . . . to become a hero in your own life and someone else's.

Shine your piece of sunlight now in the comment box below.

A huge grudge-budging hug!
Michael

*** The events I described between Amy and George occurred more than a year ago. Something just occurred which has compelled me to share the story with you now. The first person who guesses it on my blog when you tell your story wins a f'r'e^e 40 minute coaching session with me (a $350 value). Share your story now, and the reason why you believe I am writing about this true-life Cathy vs. George soap opera so long after it occurred. Please share your light with thousands of others who will read and be illuminated by what you impart in the comment box below.

Comments

My grudge is against my ex husband for breaking his marriage vows,having an affair, walking out on me, breaking up our family and making our children into ping pongs.

It's been 10 years since he left. I still harbor sadness in my heart, and insurmountable anger everytime there's a family affair and my children have no father in attendance, everytime that I have to send a check to a lawyer for fees from 10 years ago, and I have to tell my children that I can't be with them.. because I have to work an extra job to make ends meet, or because they have to go to the ex's house.

I think you spoke with George..and discovered how nothing became something.

[Ruth Ann Harnisch]

Perhaps George (or Cathy) has gone on to where grudges cannot be taken.
I could write a dramatic story about my biggest grudge, but just as every weight loss book boils down to "eat less, move more," every grudge story boils down to "Stop it."
At a time when I had my Big Grudge AND great poverty consciousness, the Grudgee hit the local papers as the inheritor of a million-dollar estate.
Hmmmm, I thought. For a million dollars, I could get over my grudge.
It immediately hit me: if I could get over it for a million dollars I could - and I MUST - get over it for free, immediately.
That's the thing about a grudge - you hold it because you think you CAN'T get over it. If you can imagine any circumstance under which you COULD get over it, then you see clearly that the grudge is ENTIRELY YOUR CHOICE TO CARRY.
Stop it.

[Kate]

Hello:
Are you related to either Cathy or George and saw the effects of a grudge match?.

I am still holding some things against my mother regarding her lack of support when I was a child. Still painful.

Though I have been releasing bits of it over the last year and I just realized that's o.k. now. To keep releasing all the pieces until I am whole and back to centre.

Kind Regards and Best Wishes: Kate.

[Turquoise]

Holding a grudge (resentment) is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemy. The enemy remains unscathed but grudge holder dies little deaths everyday that the grudge is allowed to keep the heart slammed shut. I know this first hand as I have experienced this scenario.

My beloved husband of 35 years lost his bravely fought battle with stomach cancer June 20, 2005. We had no children and no family. During his last few days on earth, we both were confident that our friends would support me through the hellish necessity called Grief. WRONG!!! They wanted the old me (who died with Michael). They could not deal with the grief process and they scattered like seeds on the wind. The pain of abandonment was nearly greater than the pain of grief and loss. I held the grudge of resentment like a golden sword and wore the agony like a badge. I became very ill with panic/anxiety attacks, among other stomach ailments. A message arrived in an email about "letting go" the pains of grudges. I absorbed all of the learning of everything offered. This helped me realize that the separation between my friends & I was a gentle reminder that my life is completely different, now and it is simply time for me to surround myself with new friends who love and support me and who share my life values. So, the ones who were the focus of my grudge were merely teachers.

I strive to hold my grief, grudges and resentments lightly so they may lift easily like a butterfly leaving the palm of my hand.

[Sandy]

Things that go hmmmmmm ... I just received your email immediately after reading this newsletter:

http://www.vitalsmarts.com/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/Newsletter/NewsletterItem.aspx?UID=3352a638-a423-4c5f-b7d4-d8354b429d8c&ReferralURL=/CrucialSkills/FreeStuff/Newsletter/Archives.aspx

My grudge has been against my mother - much the same story as the prior mother grudge in this column.

My self-talk is ... "So, when will you LET GO of what you don't want - so you can have what you really DO want?! If all stories are invented, why not pick one or design one that really works for yourself?"

[8ddleoob36]

I had a grudge with a person who I helped to get a job and he did not behave the way I wanted him to. I gave him accomodation food and all comforts. seeing that he has no respect for me and no gratitude , I threw him out of my house without mercy. It was 36 years ago. But when the grace of God was upon me, He reminded me about it and asked me to forgive him and Jesus made me understand that I can not love Jesus without loving him and many others. He gave me the grace to repent and I made up my mind to forgive him, by searching him out and showing him affection and concern. Two weeks later he died of heart failure at a young age of 50. I thanked God for giving me opportunity to make peace with a person I detested. Today I know that Jesus through me loved that person

[Frank Yusuf]

One of them must have died, causing regret for the one left behind. Death & disease have a powerful instantaneous effect on our priorities and perceptions of real reality. It's amazing how trivial all of our daily concerns & seemingly important values become, once we're faced with the finality of death.
Wouldn't it be great if we could experience this kind of radical change - an epiphany of sorts - without having to wait until it's too late? Life is indeed short. We should make a deliberate choice to live each day as if it's our last.
Love Life & Be Grateful :)
Frank

[Patricia]

I have been upset about my husband for the last 30 years and it has placed a heavy burden on the family as a result. I have forgotten now how it started really but it has festered forever. We remained married through this but I didn't realize how much it took from my happiness and piece of mind until a very close friend recently died from cancer. During his illness I cared for him and we shared our lives daily, our dreams, our sorrows and regrets. He helped me realize how fruitless this had been all these years and how much damage had been created throughout all the family members and how they reacted to events along the way. It was useless in the end and we all suffered behind the scenes. I robbed my children of their respect for their father. He is an uneducated man and he is unaware of how he hurt me and I blew it up and held the grudge all my life and missed out on the simple happiness I could have had with my family during their growing up years. No one speaks to each other now and we live far away from each other. The communication is very little and drained at best. I live alone and my husband lives alone. I wrap up my time with an abundance of work to fill the gaps. It is senseless. My husband doesn't know what he did wrong and I'm not sure either. We all suffered needlessly for no reason. I miss my friend immensely for the long talks and understanding and I am grateful for his friendship and helping me to see the error of my ways. Life is so short and we don't know how importent we all are to each other in the web of relationships and how must damage we can create through one grudge that lasted a whole lifetime. Thank for letting me get this off my chest and God bless to all of you reading this narration.

[Oyewole Job I]

patience\endurance is power key. I am living with my granny from childhood but unfortunately an issue happen which is not from my side ie someone thief some bag the woman used for maket, unknownly my granny set up one of our inlaw to take me to herbalist to confirm the trulth but because of disapointment I have in my granny also in our inlaw lead me not to have interest in doing anything with them again meanwhile all I suppose to gain from granny I am unable. Mean grudge cause me to lose special package from my granny

[Peter Nelson]

Michael, the longest grudge I ever held was almost a decade and it was against God. I was bitter that I’d been saddled with bipolar disorder, diabetes and a dysfunctional family. I held this “triple whammy” against God. If I had to be mad at someone God was certainly big enough to handle my anger. While I held this grudge I couldn’t go on with my life. I wanted to blame someone for my situation.

Forgiveness was the key to solving my problem. I forgave God for something that wasn’t his fault to begin with. I found that asking why I had bipolar wasn’t asking the right question. The right question was: now that I have it what am I going to do with it. I started by forgiving myself for all the times I’d failed at my goals and in my relationships. Once I forgave God and myself I found I could move on and try to help others struggling with bipolar.

Holding a grudge hurts you as much or more than the person you hold the grudge against. Letting go of your bitterness allows you to grow. Practicing forgiveness is the way to let go.

[jul]

When I was 24, just graduated from college, and mother to my 8-yr. old daughter, I got upset with my father and didn't talk to him or his wife for 1 1/2 years.
He is a multimillionaire and had agreed in his divorce settlement with my mom to pay $5000 toward my college. But he never did. I worked up the courage to ask him for the money once but he went on a rant and that was the end of that.
So I worked three jobs (including waitressing at one of Dad's bars) and took loans and made it through five years of college but my young daughter didn't see me as much as she should have and I will always regret that.
After college I worked for him that summer but then wanted to move to the Twin Cities. He had a fit (that I was quitting--even though I gave a 6-wk. notice). He and his wife attacked me and I drove away in tears, swearing to get rich and famous and change my last name --so it wasn't his.
20 years later, his wife is one of my best friends and he and I have made our peace. But there is something strange between us. I think I look too much like my mom and he resents me. He even asked my husband how I was in the sack because my mother was so bad.
I could write forever about how horrible he was to my mom and brothers when I was a child--beatings, and worse.
I've been through therapy and I have come to accept our relationship as it is. But I guess it all still bothers me or I wouldn't take the time to write this.
Today, I'm a life coach and trying to follow the same principles as I use to help my clients.
Here's a quote from Mary Manin Morrissey to help me and others:
"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?"

[Diane]

Why carrying a grudge? It will only end up hurting you in the long run. It certainly will not hurt the other person...if that's what you are thinking. It will deprive you of living the good life that God has intended for each of us!

[Nina]

I'm not sure I'm actually holding a grudge, but let me be the third person to say there's something really bad going on between my mother and I. I think she's holding the grudge, and I think she as the parent should try harder to repair this situation before it's too late. I've tried, but any effort to talk or apologize ends up with her blaming me for everything, and her taking none of it. We're a good Catholic family, no drugs, alcohol abuse, anything like that figuring into this mess - "mom" criticizes other siblings, but they are my brothers and don't take it as personally as I, her eldest and only daughter. She treats my sisters-in-laws with love and kindness but me, she only finds fault. No one wants to take sides, but most think mom is the one "losing it", maybe a slow form of dementia or alzheimers. It's easier for me to just not talk to her, but my son misses her, and she's his only grandparent. If and when we get together next, she will act like nothing is wrong, which is historically how it i
s with us. I think she just doesn't like me because I remind her of my father, who passed away almost 14 years ago before she and him could resolve problems that occurred early in the marriage. She's carrying around a lot of anger over that.

[Liz]

Since she didn't know the older gentleman, I'm assuming it was an old father-daughter (grandfather-grandaughter) issue resurfacing with an older stranger. When I worked with the elderly in a hospital, at first I used to have overwhelming joy visiting older male patients with white hair. I did not know them so it wasn't love for them. In time I learned it had everything to do with my feelings for my grandfather who had recently passed away.
Grudge:
I had an issue with a family member who started calling my daughter because of something between her daughter and mine. When I stepped in (believing a child is no match for an adult's anger), she turned on me. It ended badly and would have continued if I kept hold of the grudge I formed against her. My mother had always told me that the most mature among you must take the first step in amends. I knew she would not and I wasn't feeling too mature at the time. However, on principle, I rang her doorbell and told her I didn't want to lose touch with a family member over the issue. We because great friends and have stayed this way for many years. Grudges sometimes stop us from looking at the bigger picture that brings life and joy to us.

[Pam Murphy]

Struggling with Lupus for many years taught me a lot of things about what was really important. Grudges only hurt the person carrying them. The more negatives you carry in your head/heart the more you can expect to have negatives in your life. Let go and live! (btw i'm celebrating two years in remission!)

[Stacy Sabeur]

My grudge is against my husband. We have been separated for over a year now and have filed for divorce. He pulled something very sneaky on me. This has happened on more than one occasion too. He offered to help me move. While I was in another room, he helped himself to my personal cell phone. He then called all of my friends and harassed them about having a relationship with me. This was very embarrassing not to mention a total invasion of my privacy.
He doesn't seem to understand that this is wrong.

[Carol]

I lost my only child of 16 to suicide in 2002. My first cousin was killed in a car accident just 3 months later. My aunt has told me that her loss is as great if not greater than mine!!!!!!!! First of all, you cannot compare the loss of a child. However, I witnessed my child complete suicide via shotgun to the head. In my opinion, not being selfish, that is by far the worst situation for any parent. It took me 2 years to finally forgive my aunt. I had to realize she could not relate to my grief, and to her, the loss of her daughter was the worst. And that's OK. Now, I'm still holding my other grudge with my sister. She lives only 20 minutes away and has not come to my house to see how I am, and when she does call..maybe once a year, she never asks how I am, it's always about what's going on in her life. I could really care less. She talks about her son in college (my son would be in college right now if he were here)..I do not want to hear that. She is so insensitive. Then at the end of the conversation, she will say, "Come see me". She told me one time a few weeks after I lost my son that she just did not know what to say to me. I completely understand. I told her all I need is to know she is there for me. She said..well come see me and call me if you need me!!!! What does she mean IF I need her???? I can't go to her house. There are too many memories. I invited her over and it never happened. I am trying to resolve this in therapy and I am slowly getting through some of it. I realize she is who she is and that's the way it is. I have to accept it and go on. It just hurts when I hear about her driving 500 miles to see about my aunt who lost her daughter. I just do not understand how she sleeps at night. But I guess she thinks, "out of sight out of mind". If she doesn't see me, she doesn't have to deal with it.
OK - I'm done! I could go on forever. Thanks for allowing me to vent.

I just posted a comment and it shows up as posted by "Stacy Sabeur"...with my name (Carol) at the bottom of the post. Not sure what happened.

[lisette rose]

yes,I have a grudge.my husband (25years)remarried. We have 4 girls, every family occasion, he cant seem to attend without her.
It makes me want to stay home instead of enjoying the occasion.
I have wished her dead.
My financial situation is not healthy right now and has been doing downhill since the divorce.
It is very unplaisant.

[Laureen]

Today (the 12th) is my eldest daughter's birthday - a day of joy to be sure. I also feel a terrible sadness because my husband of 25 years wants to divorce me. The timing of this message re grudges was not coincidental! I have, in the last two weeks since this shockwave, been highly aware of how toxic the poison of a grudge is. I sent him the e-mail message along with the wise remarks posted, adding my thoughts and repenting for holding grudges against him. Always the optimist, I am hopeful (along with taking action) for rebirth; my husband feels this is terminal.

Anyone who reads this or who is interested in reshaping their future might consider this: When the opportunity comes along for you to bear a grudge against someone, think! THINK!! twice and remember that you can be right, but is it worth it to be dead right?

[Bob Herman]

A year after my divorce being left by my wife because she wanted to marry another man, I was grudge free. It hit me that the only person I was hurting by holding a grudge was myself. The medical profession has now determined almost all illnesses are stressed induced. Why would I choose to become ill over a situation I had no control over? I forgave her totally and wish her happiness which we all deserve. Hence I am stress free and still striving to be a better person, a life long goal, since my divorce. Happily I can honestly say I am getting there, day by day, month by month and year by year. I have a new love in my life and am happier than I have ever been.

[Rob King]

The biggest grudge I have had is against myself. I have spent much of my life beating myself up and telling myself I am not good enough. I have had a hard time letting go of what I have perceived as my failures such as being on academic probation in college, quitting my first job after only 9 months, feeling like a failure at times as a teacher, feeling unable to develop and sustain relationships with women I am really attracted to, and feeling like the bright future I once saw for my life was disappearing. I have learned to let go of much of this grudge or self-hatred through a wonderful stategy called the Sedona Method which helps you let go of your negative emotions. It has really begun to transform my life and allwed me to release my grudges on an ongoing basis and move me towards the goals in my life that I had almost given up on. I am learning daily to let go and I feel freer and freer. Best wishes to all. Rob King

[dr charmaine saunders]

I can truly say I don't hold grudges. There are many life-lessons I find very difficult but forgiveness isn't one of them. As a counsellor, I also know that holding onto bad feelings is very toxic for our bodies and souls. Many people have disappointed and hurt me over the years and yes, it hurts like hell but I'll tell you how I counteract the anger and self-pity - I remind myself that I'm not perfect either! I can make the choice to not interact with these people anymore and it's okay not to want to see them but holding a grudge is holding onto resentment and anger and I can't do that. Unconditional love is not the same as unconditional approval. We don't have to accept less than we deserve from family and friends which is respect, caring and honesty. But revenge and grudges hurts us more than the ones we're angry with. So it's just a matter of letting go and letting love replace hate.

[Julie]

I don't know if it is a grudge or not, but I have not found healing and freedom from the pain and suffering of being raised by my particular parents. I have worked all my adult life--35 years--to take responsibility for my self and my choices and heal myself through psychotherapy and faith. While it is true that this has led to beautiful growth, forgiveness and freedom, there always seems to be another layer of bad early experience and my reaction to it to confront and work through. Just recently I felt real compassion and forgiveness for my parents due to how hard their early lives were, then, when I visited them I experienced again how un-empathic, narcissistic, controlling, dishonest and in denial they are and how profoundly this taught me that I am not loved, seen, heard. I want to feel loved and I haven't. Little by little I have learned to love myself--but there is still a sad, angry part of me. Is this a grudge?

[Barry]

Generally I tend not to hold grudges because as long as you decide that it's someone elses fault, you give up your power in the matter.

best, Barry

[Betty]

I can't remember the last time I had a grudge against anyone. If I did, it only lasted for a day. It is always replaced with compassion.

When I was 12 years old I invited Jesus to take control of my life. He did. His wonderful presence has being with me all my life. He gave me such peace that absolutely nothing can take away. I love people. God has done something wonderful for me. He gave me a new heart.

[Victoria]

Each time you ask for comments, I usually go to that place first of thinking I have nothing of real importance to add. Well, I thought I'd ignore that this time. Yay me! I've not spent a lot of time holding grudges, because it's a energy sucker and I know I can't change what was. Although there has always been little memories of people that come up they are not always good. I might whine about the person for a moment, but usually move on. I've come to believe that everyone is doing the best they can and generally, whatever is getting to me about them really isn't about me at all. Where this became really powerful for me was a couple of years back I was at a school reunion. You know the ones where everyone is pretending life is great and that they thought you were so wonderful back in the day!? Well, I was completely honest with everyone. One person telling me how cool i was - i responded that i didn't even feel like he noticed me as a person. Another I got to tell I had a crush on - he respnded he did too!! bummer.. and finally one who was really mean to me. He was flirting with me when I asked him if he knew who I was? He didn't of course. I was just another of his victims. When I told him how he treated me, he seemed to feel real regret. It was powerful honesty for both him and me. Grudges keep sick people sick - victims victims and as the old saying goes the truth will set us free. Thanks for listing. Take care All
from the heart
Victoria

[ChrisR]

I have held grudges against many people: my parents, my children, friends, non-friends, and others including (of course!) the Government, but none of my excuses for holding them has been anything like as agonizing or tragic as some of the reasons already given above. So let me just omit details and go to the lessons I think I have learned. For whatever they are worth...
1. As others have said in other words, holding a grudge is a miserable state of mind to be in. Noticing that, the other party may well even be pleased, but anyway, is hardly affected at all in a negative way by my pain. 2. The (sometimes desperately held) belief that one can somehow hurt the other party with one's grudge is, like so many other beliefs, self-deceiving. 3. Hanging onto a grudge, just like hanging on to any other burden, is a huge waste of energy. Very little is left for being happy, creative, loving or anything else positive at that time. 4. Assumption of the role of judge, jury and would-be "jailer"/"executioner" is merely arrogant (and is very poorly paid!) 5. Just as with anything else that one is holding and needs to let go of, all one has to do is to release one's grip, let it fall, leave it behind. And, IF one can turn away from one's attachment to the desire to punish, that release becomes easy, even joyful. 6. It is not my job, not my responsibility to punish the other party. Life, God, the Universe, change and circumstance will do the job, all in good time. Is it sensible to wait years, decades (even lifetimes!) until I see the lesson learned by that person in front of my eyes? What a narrow, preoccupied life I would have to lead!
For what they are worth...

[Susie]

I think Frank hit the nail on the head with his guess that either Amy or George died. My guess is that one of them is related to you and gave you permission to share the story.

I am a Christian also (as some of the other responders), but I have not found the joy that Betsy? describes. I have prayed and prayed for that peace and forgiveness, but still even after forgiving those that hurt me horribly, I am filled with sadness and regret - mostly that I made the choices that kept me stuck for so many years. I don't know how to even begin to find "me" and I know some of this has to do with the last child becoming a senior in high school. I am having the empty nest blues already because being a mom has defined most of my adulthood. Now what?

[Michelle]

The thing abouts grudges is this:
You are truly the one who suffers - no one else. They don't know what's going on in your head, therefore the pain and suffering is yours and usually yours alone. The bricks in the bag get too heavy to carry, so at some point you have to put the bag down and keep on walking. I've had many grudges in my life, and I've gotten to the point where there are less and less, because I don't want to suffer the consequences. Nip it in the bud and talk it out or move on. Life is too short my friends. Peace is where it's at!
Namasta
Michelle, NJ

[midastouch]

My Favorite Sayings Are:

"Any Day Six Feet Above Ground,
Is A Good Day."

Today is the Tomorrow you worried about Yesterday.

Forgive and Forget.

Grudges are like a backpack filled with sand. They weigh you down.

When I become aware of a Negative thought or a Grudge that I have been carrying around. I immediately say to my self, "RELEASE IT".

We can control what we think.

Realize that this is not talking about my grudges, as I try to live without any of this baggage. But thought some might gain from this post.

[mary]

The first thing I see in your story is: There was such an age difference between them and only knowing each other for a short time did not give them time to find out about each other. I have gone through many trials and tribulations that left me with many hurts and unforgiveness toward many people and even against God. I became a born again christian back in 1978 that totally changed my life. I was full of the love of Jesus Christ and knew Him in a wonderful personal relationship.I was secure in Him as a child is with a parent. Things changed when my son of 12 years old was killed in a car accident. It left me devestated and crushed. I could not figure out why God would allow this. Unfortunately, I became very angry and went into a depressive state and held that grudge for many years. Then the Lord started to deal with me and show me that it was not Him who did this to me. It was our adversary who kills, steals, and destroys (satan) and from then I started to seek the Lord and His forgiveness for the things that I had harbored in my heart. Now I realize that unless I am willing to forgive all who has hurt or done anything against me , God could not forgive me.Mark 11:26 I started to repent for all that I held on to and now feel such relief and comfort from Him and now I know that I can come to Him with all my problems and He will work them out for me.So I am learning to keep my eyes on Jesus , the author and finisher of my faith.Without Jesus living richly in our hearts we are not able to forgive or let go of past hurts and pain.I tried it on my own and was miserable..He is our healer, deliverer our present help in the times of trouble..... Living for Christ.... Mary

[Brew]

I am hoping for both George and Carol's sake that the grudge has been resolved, and that a Wealthy Soul was involved.
My own grudge was against a former tenant. The terms of the lease were not being kept. After repeated conversations and promises not being kept I filed for eviction. It ended up in court and the process was excurciating for me. My character was assainated, my integrity questioned and then verbal abuse and threats followed outside of the courtroom.
For the months that followed my thoughts revolved around how I could possibly get even for the damage they had done not only to the house, but to me on a personal level.
Two things happened, I could no longer tolerate how this was interferring with my life and a second set of tenants were causing even more problems. I took a different tact. I admitted to myself that I was responsible for the people that I had let rent the house. I listened to the complaints, took into account the cultural differences which existed and engaged a third party to mediate. The second set of tenants left of their own accord. Neither of us felt we had lost.
Accepting responsibility for my own actions, which even though I thought were forthright and justified at the time, did not take into account all the factors involved. I had been lax in setting out the ground rules and following through on them.
I honestly don't know how I would react to an encounter with the first tenants but I am hoping, should it ever occur, that from a different mindset I could acknowledge their anger and move on. I feel that I have done so in my heart and pray that my actions will concur.

[Dana Dudley]

I have read with great interest all the above posts. I related to many of them, and spent a lot of time reflecting on them, and even spoke to a friend in another state about grudges before deciding to post here.
I used to hold a grudge against my mother for allowing my parents to become divorced, because it changed the course of our lives forever. I have many siblings, and we distanced ourselves from her and from each other over the years because we realized what had occurred between them. While I held that feeling, it changed my life which caused negative things to occur that never would have occurred had I not held that negative force field called "grudge". Once I began to explore the "why" of what had happened, I knew it was my own outcome which was damaged, and she never even had any idea of what had happened. Once I forgave myself for holding that grudge, my entire life improved and I have had nothing but success in all things since. I am happier every second I live, and am not able to remain upset with anyone for things neither they or I can change. I have a better attitude towards people now, and holding grudges is now impossible. I forgive immediately where I was unable to do that before. I have noticed I have tremendous patience now, and better communication skills because I no longer think of what may go wrong, but only see what will go right. I only suggest we all look internally rather than waste time focusing on where we aimed that grudge. That is where we find solutions and resolution anyhow. Thanks for reading my words, and have a very blessed and happy day!

[Dana Dudley]

I have read with great interest all the above posts. I related to many of them, and spent a lot of time reflecting on them, and even spoke to a friend in another state about grudges before deciding to post here.
I used to hold a grudge against my mother for allowing my parents to become divorced, because it changed the course of our lives forever. I have many siblings, and we distanced ourselves from her and from each other over the years because we realized what had occurred between them. While I held that feeling, it changed my life which caused negative things to occur that never would have occurred had I not held that negative force field called "grudge". Once I began to explore the "why" of what had happened, I knew it was my own outcome which was damaged, and she never even had any idea of what had happened. Once I forgave myself for holding that grudge, my entire life improved and I have had nothing but success in all things since. I am happier every second I live, and am not able to remain upset with anyone for things neither they or I can change. I have a better attitude towards people now, and holding grudges is now impossible. I forgive immediately where I was unable to do that before. I have noticed I have tremendous patience now, and better communication skills because I no longer think of what may go wrong, but only see what will go right. I only suggest we all look internally rather than waste time focusing on where we aimed that grudge. That is where we find solutions and resolution anyhow. Thanks for reading my words, and have a very blessed and happy day!

[Lloyd "DocMercer" Mercer]

Regarding Cathy and George I would hope that something affected an understanding and effort towards making peace with it... before anyone passed over.

My deepest personal grudge, which may go beyond grudge, goes way back to 1967/68 which I spent as an infantry officer in Vietnam.

An incredibly naive farmboy enlisted, went through OCS and passed on pie duty so my gung ho self could go kick butt for America.

Something happened to that gung ho self. I left that place disillusioned, bitter, laden with guilt and a host of grudges, singular and general.

I was consumed with anger at betrayal by a government that had sold us out.

My reception back in the states by strangers, former friends, neighbors and even family served to deepen my dilemma and feed my anger which sometimes, turned against myself, became extreme depression.

I tried college and several careers and couldn't adjust. I became a rover, never stable, never content and just never able to get a handle on things.

Having rejected traditional religious teachings, I finally recognized that I was on a spiritual pursuit. That was the one thing that kept me going.

At the age of 35 I returned to school to complete a Bachelor of Science in Nutrition and get my Doctor of Chiropractic Degree.

I began practicing and helping to form an Institute to train others at certificate and naturopathic levels. I spent countless hours doing research, teaching and hands-on healing helping literally hundreds of mostly desperate people. The Institute and the legendary Chief Two Trees awarded me their Doctor of Naturopathy Degree.

Things began to come unglued.

Whatever it was that had been kicking me in the backside got worse, kicked me in the back of the head and in the teeth.

I left my practice and lost my home, family, finances and career to end up alone, jobless, broke, homeless and hungry with a car that died almost taking me with it.

I turned to those I respected for help. They turned away.

I wallowed at the very bottom, feeling totally defunct, becoming as one of those hundreds I had helped, wanting to be dead and sometimes not even having the energy to take my own life. The worst was about a three year borderline struggle to even survive.

I couldn’t keep my continuing education credits up and gave up my professional license. I located to a place where no one knew me as doctor, in the hills of north Georgia, finally made it into a homeless shelter and somehow weathered the storm.

There were lots of Vietnam Vets in the area and I met some. They convinced me to go to the VA. The diagnosis turned out to be Vietnam combat-related post traumatic stress disorder. I assure you it is a very real phenomenon.

I did whatever I had to do, getting taking advantage of by that special breed who prey on the disadvantaged, working for twenty years ago wages and sometimes getting that ripped off just to get out of the shelter and into a cheap apartment.

That was just over six years ago.

I’ve a new family now, with two of my daughters and two step daughters still at home and the perfect wife for me. We found a way to start buying a home. Things are better and getting better, gradually, all the time.

Because I have learned a lot.

And effectively dealt with a lot.

Focus on all those dramatic and intense emotional experiences put that kind of energy in my system. That energy attracts more of its kind, justifying and feeding itself.

Even on the way down and while on the bottom natural law still worked and I attracted more of it.

That is a blessing. We are given opportunities to heal as a natural process. Forgiveness is healing. And I refer to what I call the true art of forgiveness. To me, the true art of forgiveness heals the one who is doing the hurting, the one carrying the grudge, big or small. Forgiving ones self and making peace with whatever person or event has been upsetting is releasing the deleterious energy from the system and beneficial to health.

Truly, your spirit will never load you with more than you can handle even though you may tend to think otherwise on occasion. Just remember that it is all a natural process that is inviting you to have a healthier and happier life.

DocMercer

[Josephine Taban-ud]

Dear Readers,
This story happened 2 years ago. In our school, there was a certain person that I didn't like to see her face or to talk to her. But after 2 years of being patient & charitable to her I was able to overcome my ill feelings toward this person. And now I live
peacefully & joyfully in my life.
I hope you enjoy reading today this short story of my real life.
Sincerely,
Josephine

[Teresa]

I have to say that though I am, overall, one for forgiveness, I do yet struggle when it comes to my EX who was verbally and physically abusive. With 2 young children, and their father still being involved in their lives, I have frequent contact with him. I have worked very hard to let go of things, which, I must admit, would be a heck of a lot simpler if I wasn't being continually challenged with new things being done that are hurtful, but I am getting better. And, with my Honey to assist as he can through observation, I am able to see where I actually have allowed certain things to take place that I have the power to change, and I do, once I realize that I have the power to do that. I must say that the EX is a great learning tool for dealing with difficult and self-centered people.

Anyway, thanks for your question. Looking forward to seeing your follow-up on the Grudge story.

[Alex So]

I had a grudge match with my wife for not supporting me in my dream. I would get upset if she doesn't consider my idea or suggestion. I felt treated like a child who does not know any better.

After attending the Landmark Forum last year, I was finally able to let go of my story as a victim. Now I take full responsibility on creating an environment where my wife sees me as competent.

I finally acknowledge I have not been responsible enough to address her concern for a regular source of income.

Instead of waiting for her to change, I take proactive action to show her the evidence she needs to see me as someone responsible enough to trust.

I can guess that you personally experienced the grudge match or you see something about to happen on a global scale similar to 9/11.

It takes courage to let go of being right. I'm grateful for the link to crucial skills provided by Turquose on how to resolve conflict. I know I used to back away or fight head on. Now I have a tool to let it go.

God bless us all.
Alex

[Carol B]

The story of Cathy and George's "Grudge" made me feel sad and evoked some bad memories. My husband was an alcoholic and I became the breadwinner for the family of 5 children. After 28 years, children gone, I left and to say it was a bitter divorce is an understatement. (Similar to the Dr. in NYC this week that blew up the townhouse so his wife would not get it.) I held a grudge for many (about 15) years until I began to read the Bible and read we have to forgive in order to be forgiven ourselves. This was very hard but I prayed to forgive him and did. In the meantime, I moved back to the NY area from Northeast Florida a year and a half ago and spent time with my former husband while I was helping our daughter with postpartum depression. It was then that I was amazed to see how he had changed since he had conquered alcoholism and was sober for over 15 years. We became friends and found peace. He was in excellent health and active in the community and suddenly last year had cardiac arrest. It is difficult to explain but I knew immediately when he died that it was divine intervention that we had reconciled and that he was able to leave this life with a peaceful heart and I was able to accept the peace I felt. It was breathtaking to experience how fast we can go...just like the wind.
---
I believe something has happened to either Kathy or George and perhaps forgiveness has transpired between them.

[Rea de Miranda]

I'm holding a grudge against myself. And tremendous guilt. My son Emile, 20, hanged himself in a willow tree 5 months and 1 week ago. I celebrated his 21st 7 weeks after his death. The last day I saw my beautiful son alive we had an argument and I said the most awful things to him and about him. While we argued he screamed at me and I slapped him, he pulled back his arm as if to hit me and I slapped him again. I was so angry at him, his father used to beat me and I left him when I was 6 months pregnant with Emile. I told my son that day that he is just like his father a piece of rubbish. He also heard me say to his stepdad I wish he would just go away and I never have to see him again. He left that day without any word to me. The next day we were told he hanged himself in the early morning hours of the next day. I can't help but feel my words caused my beautiful son to go out there and kill himself. It will be a long and difficult road for me to be able to forgive myself. I know he has forgiven me already and in my mind I know that argument could not have been the sole reason He hanged himself. But I feel it gave him the push to go ahead and do it. My heart is broken, and I pray for forgiveness from Emile and God and myself.

[Rebecca]

Cathy learned something about George that made George, George and Cathy had a change of heart. OR Something happened to Cathy's son and George came to her aid. They forgave each other and made amends. At least this is how I want the story to end.

Have a great day!!!

Rebecca

[Imelda Duffy]

When we love:
We are tolerant.
We are happy.
we are well.
We laugh with others and not at them.
We laugh at ourselves and view our mistakes as life lessons.
We give to ourselves what we would expect from someone else.
We appreciate the 'simple' things.
We have the strength to comfort.
We bring our joy to the world, rather than expect someone or something 'out there' to fulfil us - and the world is a better place - even for a moment.

[Mona Proctor]

Michael,
I believe that George passed away. Linda came to pay respects and having been removed from the situation for a year came to see clearly that she and George had made a festering boil out of a mosquito bite that should have healed itself in just a day or two.
My biggest grudge has been with my father all of my life. I have done much praying for forgiveness and peace of mind for the Father that he was/was not and what it did to all of our family not just myself. I continue to practice forgiveness by picturing my father as a child and remembering what ideals and parenting he was given and it helps me to remember that he cannot/ could not give what he doesn't have/ wasn't given. This has been a miraculous practice with my mother. The most amazing thing has happened in our relationship. The woman who once seemed to dread seeing me coming now smiles wide and says "hi honey when I come through the door".
The part of this that was miraculous was that I wrote her a letter that I never intended to give her, but expressed all of my frustration and anger and hurt. I burnt the letter and said a prayer. The very next day my mom called to ask how I was and to tell me she was just thinking of me and wanted me to know that she loved me. I was 27 years old and had never received a phone call like that from my mother before. I had to see my part in the problem and not just hers. I had to recognize that I had unrealistic expectations of my mother and held grudges because she couldn't live up to my "susie homemaker" idea of what a mother should be. I learned to love her for who she is.
I continue to work on doing that with my father and it is getting much better. I write letters often. I do not send them to him. The only purpose of these letters if for me to see if I am getting better not for me to tell him how he should improve.

[marlene frances keller]

First, let me say to Carol B. not to blame herself -- of several of the people I've known to commit suicide it always seems to all the people who knew them no evidence of signs they were thinking of it existed, but as time goes on these signs are proven to have existed for quite some time and as people inevitably begin thinking harder & further back they'll start to see that there were signs they weren't prepared to be aware of and so did not see them for what they were. Is it possible that Emile provoked that last argument with you? Is it possible that this was deliberate? Is it possible he'd been thinking about doing this for some time and used that argument as his catalyst (on the surface of things, anyway) perhaps to make you think what you are now thinking -- a way to hurt you back or cause you suffering at a higher degree than you would've had he not? I know this is not the way you're thinking or wanting to right now -- but, at some point in the grieving process for a suicide one does become angry -- after you blame yourself for a long time -- and it is when you get angry at them that you should let yourself remain open to all information coming from his friends and all of the relatives and acquaintances to have known him because I think you will find the truth of it all. You may still feel you must bear some blame but nothing like you have taken on at present. Ultimately, it usually comes down to the fact that some people just cannot cope with the unbearable pain they've always felt on this plane of life and were simply unable to remain. I am so sorry for your loss,Carol B., for what you're going through and pray that you'll be able to let it go and accept it so that you
can go forward. If it were me I'd feel just as you do -- it is easy to say these things to somebody if it's not your child. I, frankly, don't know how I would go on if it were. Only God can comfort you, I think, now.

I don't hold grudges forever. The longest was 20 years --abusive ex--and we are very good friends now. Miraculous lesson for me in that. I get mad and usually it will be evaporating eventually, so I just wait it out -- but, that one, I'd never have believed would in 100 years. I'm so glad it did, because it was only hurting me. He never thought twice about what he'd done to hurt me because he rationalized and excused and blotted things out so that in his own mind he didn't do anything wrong! Jeez!! What a revelation that one was -- made me laugh so hard that I decided those lifetime grudges are just not ever going to be worth it!

[Nicci]

Grudge! where do I start and no its not me with the grudge its my entire family and boy are they proof that holding a grudge only affects your health and happiness - sorry guys, I learn't my lesson a long time ago - get over it and get on with it! Sad really that they also resent me for doing that with my life...You'd think that an extremely violent upbringing would be motivation enough to take control of your own life and create the reality you want to live in but they are soooo busy blaming everyone else for their misery that they have no silver lining to look forward too.
Grudge - move on from it is my way!

[Diana]

For many years I think I unknowingly held a grudge against my mother for loving an older brother & sister more than she did me. I felt the same about my father also. I have another older who also felt like he was "second best". Mom & I never talked about it & never had any disagreements. I just knew that whatever I did wasn't good enough.
Through a lot of prayer, I decided to let go of this anger & resentment. They loved me the best they could. I felt so much better. Mom & I shared the best years after that. She & I could finally talk & laugh together. I like to think that her last years were very special to both of us.
It was very freeing to let go of that anger both to them & my siblings.

[Christine]

Tears flow in sympathy for the children who sacrifice their lives and the mothers and fathers who grieve for the loss of their treasured offspring and brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, grandparents, other relatives and friends affected by the ripple effect.
Some may feel that ‘ when they have nothing they have nothing to lose’, leading to radical and extreme action. Why they would have come to feel this way becomes a deep learning for all in their environment.
Thank goodness that, although our loved ones are no longer physically visible, they are still with us in the universe as their essence and presence is redistributed into other matter and energy forms.
We can see how insensitive and hurtful behaviour can leads to imprisonment of ourselves and others in chains of negative emotions with a myriad of implications.
How lightly we value the gift of human life! How little do we respect the miracle of birth into this world
and the natural rights of each living thing! Often we don’t detect the ripple effect of every one of our thoughts, attitudes, words and actions in our immediate, nearby and global environment.
Although some may shun or repel our friendship, love and respect, others appreciate it and need it, so our lives can still have great value and meaning.
Separating opponents by distance or a spell of time can help hurts heal.
Directing that energy to a positive pursuit can distract the focus long enough for the grief and anger to subside. We can trap ourselves in habitual patterns of thought or belief which don’t show us the big picture where our differences and conflicts are relatively miniscule, selfish and petty.
Our internal grudges against aspects of our own individual natures, disputes with family and neighbours are mirrored in our international relationships as a species.
Individual tragedies brought about by our treatment of each other and our reactions to our surroundings
are reflected in world events which are our interactions with each other as nations, leading to an incredibly complicated web of grudges and revenge, expressed with aggression, violence and destruction, tempered by attempts at peace-making and healing.
As the earth reacts to the collective behaviour of human beings and the effects of our enterprises we expend our valuable human life energy on disputes which are founded on lack of respect for another
person’s or lifeform’s right to live their whole life as nature would have intended, without human society’s intervention.
Friction between individuals translates into friction within our governance over power, resources and territory.
Caring and deep respect for the value and natural rights of each human life and the earth’s species can bring international and earth healing. If only the understanding of our inter-connectedness was universal.

[Amii]

It has been interesting reading so many examples of grudges, some of them made me cry. Whats interesting for me as I read down the page was how many I could relate to. I have discovered today that I hold many judges, oops, I meant grudges (same thing?) and even though I rarely let the other person know I hold a bad feeling for them I always know myself that I'm holding it. I began to wonder, so whats the point supposed to be? And the first thing that came to mind was self-protection. I don't want these people to hurt me again so I save a reminder inside me with the grudge. But it doesn't actually protect me from any future pain in fact it just ensures I live in pain every day. Obviously this needs to be adjusted! What I also began to wonder was that if so many people hold grudges and if I hold so many grudges but hide them then how many people who come into contact with me are actually harbouring a grudge against me??? I can easily see myself in many of the stories here as the person someone has a grudge with but in my own life. No wonder theres so much unhappiness with all this negative emotion being created and stored inside us. So Thank YOU Very Much to all those who've shared here on this posting and Thank YOU to Dr Norwood for opening this post which has opened my eyes. Good luck to everyone I hope we can all learn to be more pain free.